Yesterday, from morning to afternoon was quite simply a horrible day.
Let me give some background or reasoning…
With me when you have that little attachment of pain, everything seems bigger than it is. Actually I re-phrase that, for me it doesn’t seem, it is, because it takes so much more effort to do something.
Each time one achieves a simple task, its hoorah and a little tick against the pleasure senses and then I take on board another challenge, be it tiny to large.
Yesterday felt like I was a basket (basket case probably more apt), with lots of little holes in it. Somebody was chucking in a whole load of marbles, each marble representing an emotion being caused or concern of someone else, or something to do.
Some of the marbles were spilling out of the holes in the basket, and no matter how quickly I tried to pick them put them back in, more came out, the basket filling faster and faster, the rainfall of them above sending crashing glass sounds as they hit each other.
One thing that happened, which caused a hideous breakage within the basket…
I had a conversation with a “dear friend”. I must point out that this dear friends knows all my other blogs and comments/critiques etc on them, which I happily encourage and enjoy.
However, this blog I quietly write away on, I don’t shout about it to everyone, it’s like stripping back the layers of an onion, each layer making one cry. It’s a very personal journey and one that is mine, no one else’s because ultimately I am on my own with it.
So my dear friend, he hesitated, then said he would like to comment on my ‘chronic pain’ blog. He said that my header reminded him of a graveyard, here is the header in question (now old header):
I don’t think I said much at that time, just drew in a breath. He followed on to say that “did I want everyone who looked at my blog to think that upon first glance, that it looked like a graveyard”
At this point my self control left me. I am still confused by my reaction, all I do is describe what went through my mind.
You see, I had expressed all along that this blog was mine, I am not here to be judged. If you see a bird in a cage, that is how I feel, sometimes the door being opened for brief glimpses.
I had searched for over an hour, I lose track of the time for a suitable graphic. Surprise and glee spread over me when I found the ‘graveyard’ one, reason being the cage is the woman’s head. My feeling of being like a trapped bird in a cage is psychological, so I though whoopeee, couldn’t get a graphic more apt.
Secondly, with searching for this graphic, I encountered a certain amount of pain, standing up, sometimes I try to ride through this to get something done and pay for it later, so when faced with a situation of possibly having to reverse and do it all over again, it just tipped me over.
Last but not least, as mentioned the emotional attachment.
His ‘opinion’ was valid because it was his, but that perspective would never have occurred to me, and did it matter to me?
How did I react?
I didn’t react well. I felt like his comment was invasive, unwanted, overwhelming. I answered that I didn’t give a shit (excuse my language but it is what I said) what people thought about my header or my blog, that it was mine. It feels like hugging something to my chest a, a locked journal which gets opened sometimes. I know it isn’t like that but when I log off, I leave a little bit of stress behind or an unwanted layer.
Then what happened?
I felt the emotions rising like a wave and I cried afterwards, both for the unwanted intrusion and for the way I had spoken to him and how defensive I had got, I felt confused, didn’t understand why, perhaps I am not ready to understand why.
I calmed down
I went back to my computer. I stood there for some time and reflected. I apologised to him.
I changed my header, why?
I am not sure if honest…
But I did learn one thing…
Even if you don’t agree with what someone has said, like I said about ‘trying’ in another post, trying means you have put effort in, even if you have failed. The fact he commented means he gave a damn which means a lot to me, so if he is reading this somewhere, though I don’t need a comment I send an ether heart for being so caring your way.
And to top it up, he sent me this link today, which some of you might find helpful/interesting 🙂