Bad day & reflection

Yesterday, from morning to afternoon was quite simply a horrible day.

Let me give some background or reasoning…

With me when you have that little attachment of pain, everything seems bigger than it is. Actually I re-phrase that, for me it doesn’t seem, it is, because it takes so much more effort to do something.

Each time one achieves a simple task, its hoorah and a little tick against the pleasure senses and then I take on board another challenge, be it tiny to large.

Yesterday felt like I was a basket (basket case probably more apt),  with lots of little holes in it.  Somebody was chucking in a whole load of marbles, each marble representing an emotion being caused or concern of someone else, or something to do.

too much going on!
too much going on!

Some of the marbles were spilling out of the holes in the basket, and no matter how quickly I tried to pick them put them back in, more came out, the basket filling faster and faster, the rainfall of them above sending crashing glass sounds as they hit each other.

One thing that happened, which caused a hideous breakage within the basket…

I had a conversation with a “dear friend”.  I must point out that this dear friends knows all my other blogs and comments/critiques etc on them, which I happily encourage and enjoy.

However, this blog I quietly write away on, I don’t shout about it to everyone,  it’s like stripping back the layers of an onion, each layer making one cry.  It’s a very personal journey and one that is mine, no one else’s because ultimately I am on my own with it.

So my dear friend, he hesitated, then said he would like to comment on my ‘chronic pain’ blog.  He said that my header reminded him of a graveyard, here is the header in question (now old header):

Old header
Old header

I don’t think I said much at that time, just drew in a breath.  He followed on to say that “did I want everyone who looked at my blog to think that upon first glance, that it looked like a graveyard”

At this point my self control left me.  I am still confused by my reaction, all I do is describe what went through my mind.

You see, I had expressed all along that this blog was mine, I am not here to be judged.  If you see a bird in a cage, that is how I feel, sometimes the door being opened for brief glimpses.

I had searched for over an hour, I lose track of the time for a suitable graphic.  Surprise and glee spread over me when I found the ‘graveyard’ one, reason being the cage is the woman’s head.  My feeling of being like a trapped bird in a cage is psychological, so I though whoopeee, couldn’t get a graphic more apt.

Secondly, with searching for this graphic, I encountered a certain amount of pain, standing up, sometimes I try to ride through this to get something done and pay for it later, so when faced with a situation of possibly having to reverse and do it all over again, it just tipped me over.

Last but not least, as mentioned the emotional attachment.

His ‘opinion’ was valid because it was his, but that perspective would never have occurred to me, and did it matter to me?

How did I react?

I didn’t react well.  I felt like his comment was invasive, unwanted, overwhelming.  I answered that I didn’t give a shit (excuse my language but it is what I said) what people thought about my header or my blog, that it was mine.  It feels like hugging something to my chest a, a locked journal which gets opened sometimes.  I know it isn’t like that but when I log off, I leave a little bit of stress behind or an unwanted layer.

Then what happened?

I felt the emotions rising like a wave and I cried afterwards, both for the unwanted intrusion and for the way I had spoken to him and how defensive I had got, I felt confused, didn’t understand why, perhaps I am not ready to understand why.

I calmed down

I went back to my computer.  I stood there for some time and reflected.  I apologised to him.

I changed my header, why?

I am not sure if honest…

But I did learn one thing…

Even if you don’t agree with what someone has said, like I said about ‘trying’ in another post, trying means you have put effort in, even if you have failed.  The fact he commented means he gave a damn which means a lot to me, so if he is reading this somewhere, though I don’t need a comment I send an ether heart for being so caring your way.

And to top it up, he sent me this link today, which some of you might find helpful/interesting 🙂

http://lifehacker.com/how-i-learned-to-be-happy-in-the-face-of-physical-miser-1507623256

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4 thoughts on “Bad day & reflection

  1. You seem so calm and rational as you explain how you lost your calmness and rationality 🙂

    I recently suffered something similar, but the “knock-down” came from an organization, and when I expressed pain and a desire to find some workaround, my desire to find a solution was ignored and instead I was told I had been reported by an individual on my forum. I was assured I could do the same to others and that it would remain confidential. This response, which seems to assume that blame and vengeance would soothe my pain, made everything so much worse.

    While I understand that none of this is personal, the festering wound of (perceived) betrayal just won’t heal. I feel like it’s gangrene and requires amputation before it sickens me further. I don’t want to quit the project I started just because I got slapped, but every time I try to work on it I start feeling almost queasy with embarrassment and shame.

    This darn chronic pain seems to drain my inner resources, leaving me ultra-vulnerable to any criticism or rejection. I’m convinced that if I was healthy I could weather these incidents like the trivialities they are, but I’ve been weakened to the point that I just want to give up.

    Your post is encouraging me to keep trying to wrestle with my feelings of “badness” and not let them snuff out what was a valuable and mostly appreciated effort. But as you know, it’s darn hard and seems to take forever.

    1. Thank you for being so open. You are right though, I do think if ‘we’ didn’t suffer from the chronic pain that we would indeed weather these things better, but I suppose it also makes us ‘hyper’ aware of perhaps other negative things going around in our environment, which in turn can make us more empathic? I remember having a talk with a buddhist, who said, try to see something good, or progressive in some way no matter how hard in every situation or person. I really try to cling on to that at times of need especially. We all have our better days also, sleep for me has a huge impact, today I am sooo tired, I don’t know why, my head feels foggy and my body so slow, I will hit the pillow soon and have to had to learn not to feel guilty about doing that, it’s a necessary sometimes in order to keep on going later when the kids are back, I am digressing here a little aren’t i? 🙂

      I hope you manage to find ways to shift this bad feeling from this incident, maybe it’s like my pain being a burglar, disassociate it from yourself by putting it in to a tangeable object/person and don’t allow it access, we all find our own way of coping, I hope just by chatting this does 🙂 Hugs

      1. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging response. In my distress, I seem to have been guided to exactly those people who are able to say the things I need to hear to heal. Everything is so tangled up (it already seems a little less so) that I’ve lost my bearings and I’m having a hard time getting back on my feet and moving forward.

        I’m so touched by your sweet reply – it’s one of those “good” things you mentioned that comes in the midst of my distress and it has helped immensely. You’ve lifted my spirits and renewed my faith in (wo)mankind, thank you, thank you, thank you!

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