Music helps to clarify

This week has been full of extremes.

Having had my spinal injections a week and a half ago, I seemed to spend the first few days in paralysed fear of whether it had worked or not and simply didn’t want to get out of bed to find out, for what if it had done nothing, or worse still got worse?

Of course staying in bed when you can get out doesn’t help….so

I got out of bed and made a resolution to myself that it was “onwards and upwards”, I would set some goals, quietly trying not to get too optimistic that my back felt different.

You see, the pain hasn’t gone, but it has eased in some way, enough to allow me to do more in the time slots the pain allows me.  I could feel streams of sanity and normality entering my mindset again.

Progress was made

1st mountain climbed

I made arrangements which felt quite brave, I had thought about training again, as I need to work, so looked up a course to further my time here on the computer and put my writing in to a better presented format, ie a wordpress course.

With this involved finding a course that was short enough hours wise that i thought I could deal with it, and the wordpress course fitted the bill.  Then I needed to get there, could I manage it?

My 11yr old son took me by bus, showed me where it was, woohoo, I chuckle to think an 11yr old showed me, but what a marvellous son I have.  I made it there and back on the bus, a huge milestone accomplished, not too much pain, so would I be able to cope with the 3 hour lesson inbetween?  I havn’t got to know that yet, I guess I will have to pay for it and see (hopes they do refunds).

2nd mountain climbed

I actually went for an interview at the college, to discuss if it was the right course for me, indeed it was, hoorah!  Only drawback they could not confirm whether they could set a laptop up high for me somewhere so I can stand and learn rather than sit, because I simply cannot sit as it causes me to much pain…so that question still to answer on that one, probably on the day

But I got there on my own, yes I did then looked at the bus stop then at a shop and thought, ok I should go home and not push my luck, but oh boy there is a shop, a shop, yes a shop I want to go in.  I relented to my shopping head and went in, was euphoric and told the assistant I was finally out and it felt so good, she looked rather panicked and obviously thought i was from some institution, I probably am, it’s called home!

3rd mountain climbed

I had an interview at home with a very nice organisation who help people get to work who are in the disabled realm, felt good, felt positive, I felt like “yes I can do this”.  He will send someone to help me with my CV, nice chap, friendly and the business set up and what they provide truly amazing.

4th mountain climbed

I was asked to cover a piece for a Community Event.  I am trying to establish a writing career of some kind, have something to go by if I try to get actual paid writing jobs, so this was a great chance, though voluntary.  It involved driving, a challenge as that spikes my pain factors.  Also going somewhere I didn’t know, so out of my comfort zone, if it get lost etc, what if in pain etc?  However, I did it, found it quite easily, fantastic event, lovely people, took photos and tried to remember everything I chatted about with people using my medicated addled brain.

Now, for me, I do one ‘event/mountain/thing’ a day, because it’s called pacing, I am bad at it but since my injection, good.  If I don’t I run the very real risk of badly paying for it later.

On the same day as the 4th mountain was climbed, I was invited to a 50th birthday party.  You see the thing is, I never go out.  Especially in the evenings, because firstly I am sooo tired from medication plus the pain drains you and not to mention the fact my pain is worse then.  So many times I’ve booked a babysitter and cancelled.

I’ve gone from a very social person, out a few nights each week to nothing, and friends have dwindled, don’t even get me started on that one!  So I really wanted to go to this birthday celebration.  They all know about my back and I thought “well I can always leave early”

In reality that is harder to do, well for me it is anyway.  I went to the dinner, my pain peaked and troughed throughout the evening, I suffered, but I hope graciously.  It was lovely to see everyone and chat, but yes of course I wish it had been not with an evening of discomfort to pain.

I medicated myself up throughout the day to the hilt to cope and ended up sitting for three hours.

Big mistake!!!

This morning I woke up, felt like someone had been hitting me in the back even lying down.  I felt exhausted and emotionally just “finished”.  It caught me by surprise feeling ‘that’ pain again that had not been for a while, I had dismissed it, “it’s gone” my subconscious lied to me.  I didn’t want it, it frightened me.  Did it mean all the mountains I had achieved, some of which ie a job and training would have to be put to the side again?  You get a little glimpse of life again and its just heartbreaking to have it possibly yanked away again.

I decided to go for a walk, through the pain and put on a song, here is the song below, and this is my interpretation of the words, it is all I have written above the journey of going in to life again, it calling one, then the pull of the demon pain back, the thoughts of giving up, in that I mean, just not ‘trying’, be it a fleeting thought, it’s just borne by exhaustion.

I am still hurting, but not as bad and can only hope this pain demon loitering with intent like a mugger down a dark path will go away!

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