I am trying ~ Dungeon Seeker Prompt ~ The Art of Holding Back

DUNGEON PROMPTS – SEASON 2, WEEK 6: PURPOSE AND THE ART OF HOLDING BACK

This is the suggested prompt for the challenge this week:

*What is it that you would most like to do with your life?  Are you doing that now?  What is keeping you from achieving your goals?  Do you have an unrealistic idea of success?  Does living a full life have anything to do with being successful?  Tell us about your dreams, and why you are or are not going after them.

elephant sat on the floor
Will I budge & achieve some goals?

This really touched a sore nerve with me, and so I have been procrastinating in what I would write, and did I really want to write anything for this week?  Would it open up wounds or indeed rub salt in to a rawness not even old enough to heal over yet, did I want to face the trials and tribulations that seem to constantly be going on, let alone think about all the things that are so out of reach that I would like to do?

Hindsight is a good thing!

Little did I know that I would end up suffering chronic pain.  What was I doing up until that stage?  I was a stay at home mother, I worked until my 2nd child was born. Due to the nature of my job, being seemingly 7 days on call, there was no escape from the intrusion of staff that would expect me to be at their beck and call.  So I decided enough was enough and gave up my Holistic Therapy business to work from home part time, treating my long standing clients and be a mother 🙂

What better a job than being a mother?  To me there isn’t one, it’s certainly a challenge, I often wonder if I am a ‘natural’ mother, but I digress that is a totally different topic altogether.  But I wouldn’t change it for the world that’s for sure.

Are  there other things I would have wanted to do, or fit in had I know that chronic pain would hit me?

Yes if someone had told me this would happen there would have been more I would liked to have done.  I think we all sit on our laurels, do we live life like it might end tomorrow?  No, most of us don’t.  Do we value things, or take them for granted?  I took a lot for granted, time and mobility to mention just a few, but I think that is the nature of the beast, being humans, modern day life, so many ‘options’ being thrown at us.

I wouldn’t have changed my job, I wouldn’t have changed being a mother.  But maybe I would have done more with my children, yes that is for sure and of course it is something that makes me sad to reflect on now, especially when my youngest says to me, “mummy I wish your back was better then you could come to the park and play football with me”  Stuff like that brings tears to my eyes, but I try to hide it, because I don’t want them to see.

So what am I doing now, am I holding myself back?

I follow a blog where the blogger suffered and still suffers chronic pain herself, yet she has managed to come off the medication and use her mind to focus away from the pain but she leads a very active life unlike before.  Oh gosh do I want to be her and every time I read her blog I feel like I am torturing myself because what she has achieved seems so unreachable.

I try to do small steps at a time.

Firstly

I need a job.  With this ‘situation’ our finances are draining. I’ve spent money regularly on treatments that just ease the pain a little, because my private insurance is rubbish and doesn’t cover things like that.  The NHS will give you something like 6 physio sessions for something that has existed for 3 years and expect hey presto you are better, unfortunately my body has other ideas.

So I have been unable to drive, to do many things, so my husband does the school run, which cuts into a huge chunk of his work day, which means financial strain as well as just being full on for him.

I cannot indulge in being a holistic therapist again, physically I would be impossible, so I have another love that has always been loitering in the back of my head and that is writing.  But you know to get anything in this vocational field you have to have either a ‘qualification’ and or ‘experience’.  I am not going to get the qualification, so am trying to create some kind of credibility through blogs, or something that someone can look at to see what I do.

I have 3 blogs, all on different subject matters, but all take time, and with this, standing and typing comes pain, but I plod on in hope.

elephant moving
I’m getting there, be it slowly

As for physically, I try to push myself.  But this is like walking on a land mine daily.  I posted recently about trying a new exercise, but it set me off, that might be unfair, my body just set off.

You go through the emotions of feeling excited yet nervous that this might be the physical exercise that helps me to establish again some kind of core stability.

You have the exercise then wait with trepidation.  I thought I was doing alright, but the day after my pain levels rocketed up, my chest felt like a tourniquet was inside it and this lasted at least a week which is draining and a set back.

Sometimes I feel this existence is a roller coaster of emotions, I don’t hold back, I am ploughing forwards, but at a very slow pace, a snail’s pace, little achievements others probably would never notice, but I log them in my  mind to return to, to keep my sanity and the ‘failures’ I re-label as “I tried”

©2014 All Rights Reserved – Justine @ It’s a lonely place

Eclectic odds n sods Living in East Sheen images.nypl_.org-503-3694

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14 thoughts on “I am trying ~ Dungeon Seeker Prompt ~ The Art of Holding Back

  1. Very touching. We just don’t realize how much we take for granted until the little things, the easy things, are not so little and not so easy any more. Then the world we live in becomes a completely different place, like your blog says, a lonely place. Thank you for sharing

  2. I know what it’s like to deal with chronic pain and just soldier on (though I don’t usually refer to it that way). I salute you for your attitude and for you choosing to keep going forward.

  3. Thank you martha, I am always ‘soldiering’ in my mind, it is whether my body choses to fall in line with my attempts. Pain levels are slowly going back to where they were after the injections, so just trying to behave and not overdo it. It’s Valentines day today, so a reason to just rest and spoil myself, Happy Valentines to you and everyone else! xx

  4. I’m sorry to read you are in so much pain and finding a balance so you can function comfortably, find a different career as well that won’t be taxing on your body. I was diagnosed a form of chronic pain right smack in the middle of getting my degree…it did slow me down considerably but managed…I lucky though to be able to get around, drive etc. Keep on doing those baby steps…when you walk slower you are more inclined to notice a door that will open. Oliana xx

  5. Thank you Tracesofthesoul for your words and your right, I am so glad you managed to complete your degree. You said something that I think has to become one of my favorite quotes “when you walk slower you are more inclined to notice a door that will open” I hope you don’t mind if I quote you on that? Great saying oliana xx

    1. No you can use it. I just thought of it as I was writing to you…I was trying to find something positive of a difficult situation…there you have it. I have been talking to my son lately who is struggling with starting over after a diffiuclt break up and am inclined to refer to Buddhist thought…it has helped me in the past. and of course still does especially when I am struggling with issues to resolve in my mind.

      1. Yes true I think some aspects of Buddhism really help trying to see the positive. But what you said struck a positive note so well because I’m inclined to boom then bust I need those baby steps and if I can moderate myself I will achieve more 🙂 what’s the saying “small doesn’t mean less” something like that 🙂 I hope your son heals soon and can remember nice memories without so much hurt x

        1. I have had to do less as well in accepting my Fibromyalgia…a physiotherapist gave a workshop years ago drilling into us to slow down…rest…walk…rest some more. I would walk for hours and be on my back for days…it’s hard to accept to walk ten to fifteen mins then rest whenyu are still young enough…but I am old now…lol…so i take it a little bit better…now I stop to take photos…so I rest at the same time.

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