Sometimes I forget the original purpose of this blog & cheating myself, why is that?
I started this blog to sort of chronicle and write about what is going on with me, without feeling conscious whether anyone would actually firstly read it or not or ever be interested. I think somewhere along the line I lost sight of this and let that influence me and as such have not posted as much. But it is important for me foremost to keep an eye on progression, the bad days, why was it bad, what could make it better? Or wow was I really like this then, I can feel that I have progressed in some way.
There has been lots going on.
First of all I had both my children assessed privately by a Psychologist as I knew there were certain things going on that if I had a ‘label’ I could feel re-assured that at least I had some starting point in finding out how to support them. This whole process has been a huge roller coaster for me emotionally however my children seem to have taken it in their stride, which is good.
Sometimes it has felt like so many marbles up in the air, I now have points of focus where I should head to help them out, but a lot of these things A) cost money which does unfortunately cause stress and worry B) Time and mobility, the latter which I don’t have, ie being able to drive to places etc. But I am going on the premise, one thing at a time, I cannot deal with it all. So it is a slow but hopefully productive journey, most of all though it is about me being there for them no matter what which I am 🙂
I did however have a chat with my youngests teacher yesterday to go through everything and the Deputy Head. The DH is very good, very gentle yet positive, functional in working through the various things to help yet offering a glimpse of herself when empathizing. Whereas his teacher who has a reputation for a terrible bedside manner and habit of sweeping things under the carpet, turned around to me and said “what do you think about the fact he gets anxious, do you not think that is about your back?”
Though this might seem like a reasonable question, it pivotted a huge truck load of guilt upon my shoulders for something I already have more than enough guilt about. My retort was “yes I am sure he has some anxiousness or upset about my back, but the thing is what do you want me to do about it. I cannot just wave a magic wand and change the situation, I talk openly with him, I am not going to lie about it, but I try to show him how I am progressing” she spent some while of that clutching at her chest in dramatic style, like she really understood me, yet I walked out of that meeting feeling like an absolute rubbish parent and that I was doing everything wrong.
She didn’t however talk about his anxiousness being brought forth from his chronic dyslexia, or dyspraxia, or audio processing issues? How he is dealt with in class? How all of these processing issues must just utterly exhaust him, she just seemed to pivot it on my back.
I am due to meet her in two weeks, on her own. I am going to focus on putting the responsibility she should have as his teacher back upon her and ask how the things I talked about with the DH that she as a teacher was meant to introduce, how effective they have been or not and veer away from her being able to bounce it all back on me.
So moving on….
I also got a last minute appointment for my 2nd spinal injection at St Georges. I am nervous and excited. It hurts like hell and obviously each time I try not to get myself too excited to find out whether it has made a difference.
My pain levels have been about 20% better since the last injection, on the same medication though which I really want to come off. I have been on anti inflammatories now for 3 years and my stomach really does not like it. I am quite slim naturally in frame but my abdomen has ballooned up, it is painful to have anything around it. So the pain consultant has finally got the doctors to agree for me to try Versatis 5% medicated plaster. Apparently I wear this and try to wean off the anti inflammatories.
Getting these patches was like getting gold dust. At first the doctors refused saying it was too expensive for their budget. I was a little incensed by this, thinking why do I pay my taxes and your budgets should be of no concern to me, your concern should be to provide medical care of which dispensing drugs prescribed by consultants should be one area. They now said they will allow me it for a month, so I am going to start it after the 2nd injection next week and see how it all goes.
A charity called Richmond Aid has been helping me a lot with support over trying to find a job and just generally being a listening ear which is great. I would love to get some kind of writing career going be it in any sphere, and as such they need help. So I made the journey to their offices, it was a huge leap for me, why?
Meeting new people, I have no ‘circulated’ for so long it was kind out of my comfort zone but in fact felt great, such wonderful down to earth people.
Taking a 40 minute bus journey, I was anxious whether I would make it, how my pain levels would kick off, I admit I medicated up as much as I could, which isnt good for me, but I just didn’t want to risk not being able to make it, then I had the worry whether I would be a bit ditsy because of the medication, but apparently I held my own, they wish me to volunteer helping them on their newsletter and will eventually help me learn how to do the editorial side, so though not paid, great experience and I can do it from home too, plus I made the bus journey, hehe.
So, this is my update, moving onwards and upwards as us Brits say, what a great expression 😀