A unusually teary day!

I am sort of going to go backwards with this post today ie feelings today working back to my recent spinal injection.

I had my 2nd facet joint injection

facet joint injection
This is the name given to an injection into the small linking joints of the spine, the Facet joints.

I had my 2nd facet joint injection on the 19th March, ie last week.  The Specialist said that after one has recovered from the procedure pain, the steroid won’t kick in until about either 5-7 days or even 2 weeks, so I am twiddling thumbs and really hating that inbetween in limbo time.

So what is going on with me at the moment?

Anger & chronic pain
Anger & chronic pain

Today I have been really hurting.

Usually I can lie in bed and it’s mostly alright, or I can lie on my mat and do my Alexander Technique and any inflammation slowly dies down.  Today none of it, it doesn’t matter what position I am in, the pain just seeps up and up, then dies down, then up and up again.

Move through fear
Move through fear

I also had a very teary morning.

Not just because of the pain, I don’t know really what was at the heart of the matter, maybe a combination of things.

It started off with feeling the pain this morning, feeling disheartened, feeling exhausted, feeling scared.  I hate feeling like I am going backwards, no one wants that, I don’t remember feeling worse last time, not at this stage and yet it frightens me that a) it might not have worked at all or worse b) it has made things worse.

download (2)My husband wants me to get on with things, I see the exasperation in his face at times, it makes me feel guilty though I know he should be more understanding but nonetheless that is the impact is has on me.

I also want to lower my medication, ie the anti-inflammatories, as having been on them long term my stomach is really messed up.  The Specialist gave me anaesthetic patches, that I had to fight with the GP for.

I am trying to work out whether I should be putting it on now (as I’ve upped my dosage with the extra pain from the procedure), or whether to wait until on my normal regular amount, the idea being I come off the anti inflammatories completely, all of this is making my head spin.

“but there was nothing I could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an endless chain of intra cranial firecrackers”  ― John Green
“but there was nothing I could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an endless chain of intra cranial firecrackers”
― John Green

A conversation started this morning with “when can you drive again” to “are you going to use those patches yet or not?”  “why don’t you go for a walk”.  I just stood there, completely at a loss, confused and burst out crying saying “I am exhausted, I just want someone to talk to, someone else who feels like this, I don’t want to go backwards, I am scared to walk to my local park, I am just exhausted and tired of this”.

It sounds like I am maybe indulging in self-pity, but I try to be positive for most of the time.

It is like holding ones arms up in the air, it’s ok to begin with, then there is an ache and one feels like one is achieving something because it is aching, some feeback perhaps? Then the ache gets worse, then it becomes pain and all you want to do is bring your hands back down again.  That is all I want to do at the moment, is get away from the emotional rollercoaster, the exhaustion of it all and be in a carefree place.

I will dig myself out of this hole at some stage, somehow, but this is pretty much where I am at the mo!

Mothers Day

“You don't understand,' she said, and there was a puzzling trace of resentment in her voice. 'Children never do. The love a parent has for a child, there's nothing else like it. No other love so consuming.”  ― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
“You don’t understand,’ she said, and there was a puzzling trace of resentment in her voice. ‘Children never do. The love a parent has for a child, there’s nothing else like it. No other love so consuming.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

I then saw some posts on Mothers Day which is creeping up.  This didn’t help matters.  I had a conversation with TracesoftheSoul who I often natter with, the floodgates opened up again.

We talked about missing parents.  I miss my mother incredibly.  She was someone I felt that intense level of comfort with, closeness with, unconditional love, happiness and that sense of loss never goes away.

I think feeling rubbish physically at the moment also makes me miss her more, or makes me think of her death more.  I know it sounds morbid, but I watched her at the end of the road, and yes sometimes I wonder if my road, be it hopefully further away, whether it is on a downward spiral, I want to see the light & joy & I will, promise I will, just not today!

I sniffed and wiped my eyes.  No amount of lying down was making it any better.  Then we had another conversation.

Re-blogging other people’s posts

images (1)I guess I will have a little bit of a rant here.  Not at you, just a rant because I can.

I love it when someone I have been conversing with, or someone I can empathize, get or feel I am on the same plane as re-blogs something of mine.

However as of late, someone I have never spoken to before, never said a word just re-blogged a fair few posts, and seemed to blog ones probably inadvertantly but however, that were very personal to me and then I saw they posted other people’s posts from people I talk to regularly which I also found odd.

You see I resisted writing a blog on my pain, I didn’t know if I wanted to expose it to myself let alone anyone else.

I checked this persons blog and all he does is re-blog, highly emotive or emotional subjects and I guess this is how he gets his readers.  However, there is nothing he has written himself.

You see, this time, these re-blogs feel invasive, I feel like someone walked in my house and took something, it wasn’t like a friend came in and asked to borrow something, it is like someone just came and took it then walked away without a care in the world.

Most people I’ve come across, re-blog in a ‘nice’ way, this didn’t feel nice it felt mercenary.  As such it made me upset and angry.  Angrier still that I cannot fix it, I’ve asked them to remove my posts, but the only other thing would be to remove the re-blog button but then no one else can re-blog which I don’t want.  Anyway it seems like a great oversight on WordPresses part as great as they are.

I now await to see if he responds and removes my posts.

And back to now

images (2)So, I just twiddle my thumbs now, trying to keep up my newly found meditation, trying to think positive (coughs, maybe tomorrow) and hope, hope & yes hope that this injection makes some more significant improvements.

Now I will go back to the day of the injection.  I would like to share how it was for me, in layman’s terms, I won’t hide anything so if you are squeamish don’t read on, if your curious, read on 🙂

 

 The day arrived of my facet joint injection

There was nothing specific to remember or take, just me, normal meds.

I arrived at the hospital and went to the Nuerological Ward or at least I think that is what it was.  There they took my temperature and blood pressure, all normal thankfully.  The ward was an open ward, with some beds but mainly seating.  There were lots of people there on drips, who seemed to know each other, seated in chairs having arrived as a day patient.  Of course I was curious as to what they were there for, but didn’t ask.

Then the waiting game started.  My appointment was for 9am, however I did not get seen until 11.30am.  Those 2 1/2 hrs were a nightmare, just for the anxiety building up.  I finally got called through, went to another floor, the nurse was lovely and was asked to disrobe and wait, again LOL.

I waited, my fingers really were worse for wear afterwards.

Finally I was taken through to the ‘procedure room’.  This room looks like something that should be housed in a UFO, it is awesome, sparkly and with many gadgets, I like gadgets.  However, I freaked a little and was probably quite rude.  Why was that?

I walked in and the Consultant was NOT my Consultant.  I immediately felt sick and thought OMG I need to walk out of here.  I instantly said “is my Consultant doing the procedure still?”  They smiled reassuringly at me and my shoulders visibly dropped in relief.

I then felt embarrassment and guilt that I had offended the man there.  He was probably however used to such things.  As it turns out he was being trained by my Consultant who eventually arrived.  I had a bad experience before with my first ever facet joint injection at a different hospital, hence I am a bit neurotic at wishing to stay with the same now new Consultant who seems to be much better.

The Consultant asked me some questions, told me what could go wrong, what I should and should not do and I signed my life away.

After this the nice nurse asked me to get on the couch.  Just to point out for those of you who might be curious, I had my bottom layer of clothing on plus shoes.  I even had my vest on, they just lifted it to expose the area, plus gown on, so no need to completely strip off.

My Consultant asked me where the pain was, this might seem a bit odd, but I am undiagnosed and as such they don’t know where exactly the pain is coming from.  So they are working down 4 vertebrae at a time and hoping for the best and using this as some form of diagnosing tool.

A freezing cold spray was then applied, which I didn’t mind as cold works better for me than hot.  Then a plastic sticky thing was put around the area.

The anaesthetic was then administered.  Now I had six of these, three each side.  This is the painful bit.  The piercing of the skin is nothing, it is the sensation after, the pushing and then it’s like a sickening feeling of blunt pain that someone is pushing at your spine.  Being lower down it also gave me other sensations, tingling, my legs started to shake etc.  Yes I did moan, I am not going to be shy, I couldn’t be, yes it did really hurt.

This is all done under the Xray, which they spend time beforehand getting in to exactly the right position.

Waiting time then begins for the anaesthetic to work.

After this, they administer the steroid or whatever else it is that goes in to you.

This is an odd feeling, slight pushing, sometimes, not much, but then stinging, it’s not as bad though as the anaesthetic.

All the while I am lying on my stomach, head to the side, looking away, there was no way I wanted to see the injections, just wiggling fingers and toes trying to relax and breathe deeply, not too deeply to take the pain away.

Then they remove the plaster, give a quick wipe and slowly help you up.

It was time for me to return back to the ward.

I wanted to cry, I had overwhelming emotions, I don’t know whether it was release from the waiting, the pain, the rollercoaster of being there and facing my condition, hospitals tend to do that to you.  I held it in though, but I wanted to bawl my eyes out.

I felt sick, woozy, not great and waddled under the nurses supervision back to my husband who was waiting.  He said loudly “oh you don’t look so good this time, a bit peeky, paler than usual” which was his attempt at a joke I guess.

I mumbled something and asked for a sweet tea, upon which time I had to wait 20 minutes before being allowed to go home again.  During this time they take blood pressure and temperature once more and ask if you have managed to go to the loo.  I never did get to find out why this is important.

I left the hospital

I got to the car park and that was it, I could not hold it in any longer.  I sobbed, no wailing but gentle sobs.  I wanted a hug and to bawl, but I didn’t.  My husband gave me a cursory hug and said “hurry up my parking tickets running out”.

Home awaited me.  Bed awaited me.  The next day I was not as sore as I thought I would be.  No washing for 48 hrs.  So I thought I was on an uphill trend, but look where thinking got me right?

One generally tends to feel quite alot of pain after the procedure, just from the invasion of the needles etc, ie I had 12 in total.  Your muscles get inflammed and nerves jangled, but then that dies down and hopefully once the steroids kick in later, it has made some difference.

So there you are folks, I am in transition stage, somewhat weepy, maybe its the drugs! 🙂

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16 thoughts on “A unusually teary day!

  1. When I read the post about your son,I was very sorry as you are a jovial person full of life.Now it is all the sadder that you have to take those injections.I don’t know what it is,but I really wish that you stop getting those pains one day.

    I don’t believe in God,so I won’t tell you to trust Him or be assured that my prayers will be with you,so all I can say is … be brave.I really hope one day things will change for the better for you. 🙂

    By the way,you should be happy that you’re being reblogged that much.It’ll get you more viewers and hopefully new friends.But I understand that certain posts are very personal and he should have asked for your permission before reblogging them!

    1. Thank you for your lovely words. Re the pain and injections its something one tries to get used to and move on, but you get those moments when you sort of hit a brick wall and yesterday was one of those. I am still hurting today but emotionally holding it together a bit better, listening to the Fire Woman by the Cult helped, hehe xx

  2. I’m so sorry. If there was anyway I could take some of your pain to give you some relief I would. What you need is love and understanding and a very gentle hug! I’m sending you healing energy, courage, and a great big hug ♥️

  3. well you know what they say about staying strong too long actually making things worse so feel good about your tears, having a cry bleeds out the bad emotions and helps us get back on an even keel. i also don’t see this as self pity, i can see you are a strong woman with lots to deal with, acknowledging what you are going through and letting yourself grieve for these troubles is healing, it is not pity. i’m a bit late and i’m sure you are feeling better by now but i just wanted to say hi and give my thoughts.

    on the subject of the re-blogging i would also find that very invasive, i wonder what the point is of this blog? strange

    1. Thank you for your words and never too late 🙂

      I feel a bit better today, pain still there and tummy not so hot but managing it right now better in my head, hehe.

      WordPress actuallyjust did a long post on re-blogging was interesting, you should see if you can find time to read it if interested, glad to be chatting xx

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