Do you ever want to escape from your body?

Last night I just wanted to be able to crawl out of my skin

metamorphosis_007_by_optiknerve_gr-d3cnogyI was lying in bed, thinking about going to sleep.  It wasn’t a hot night but suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe, a sensation of claustrophobia swept over me.  The physical feeling took over before I realized why I was feeling like that and it took me a while to work it out.

It takes a lot of emotional and physical effort to deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, with this there is underlying fear, loss of what was once, trying to feel positive, trying to move on.  Sometimes you get those periods in life when it is semi going smoothly, ie you can deal with daily life, you know your parameters, things don’t ‘seem’ to be going backwards.

Last week however, I started to get intense pain in my feet, I literally had a sensation down the sides of one foot that would feel like someone was putting a poker from the fire on it.  It would wake me up in night crying out it was so painful and I noticed some swelling.

Lying down is my respite.  Sitting the worst thing for me.  So in my head I always know I have that ‘crutch’, however during this period, lying down was dreadful.  The soles of my feet felt like they were burning and swelling up, the tingling was beyond pleasant, I had to keep lifting my feet up and down and it felt like someone was putting a blow torch near my soles.  On top of this my ankle joints felt like they were suddenly chronically arthritic.

All of this made walking painful and lying down terrible, the result of this was panic and exhaustion.  I ended up feeling very depressed and went to the doctors.  She said it sounded like peripheral nerve damage, perhaps from my back.  She said if this was the case there would be nothing really they could do about it.  I felt very tearful and fearful that how was I going to endure this on a daily basis on top of everything else and how far back it would put me.  Where would my respite of lying down go, would I have to resort back to a huge cocktail of drugs after having been able to whittle them down.

She sent me for a blood test, I get the results this Thursday.

I then thought rationally as I had tried a new exercise, maybe there is a possibility that this is the casue, because by the weekend it had died down, not gone but so much better.

So we shall see.

metamorphosis_by_ffnana-d582qsvBut I don’t know, last night it all caught up on me, I had this voice in my head saying “I can’t pretend to be positive about this anymore, put on a cheery face, I want to crawl out of my body like a butterfly from its chrysalis, just for one night, to be free, no pain, no worries, no consequences, time limits.  To be free and fly up in to the sky, smile, laugh and enjoy life in the way I so wish to”

Once I rationalized this, tried to find the reason, the breathing got easier, but I have to say I have suffered an anxiety attack full on once, ended up at A&E I just couldn’t breathe, could not work it out, then finally they realized what it was.  Being an onlooker and not having suffered anxiety before or an attack, you could just say “calm and chill out, it will go away” but the physical sensations are so intense it literally takes over your body.

It was a shock how quickly and unexpectedly those sensations came on last night, there was no warning, no pre-feelings of doom and gloom, wham bam.

This morning I feel better, but it makes one so conscious of the fragility of emotions, how things can just tip the balance when learning to live in this world of chronic pain.

Thank you again for listening and reading!

Have any of you ever felt like this?

Justine xx

© Justine @ It’s a lonely place


26 thoughts on “Do you ever want to escape from your body?

  1. Oh my god. How do you bear that pain Justine? You are a strong lady.:)
    Are your feet still aching? In that case,if possible,immerse your feet in a warm water bath containing salt ( common salt too will do ). It helps in reducing the pain.

    1. It’s feeling better I am panicking a little about my results I just don’t want ‘something’ else going wrong. I am hoping it was the exercise but you know latent fear can be crippling sometimes and I think it all caught up woth me last night x so lovely for you to comment thank you xx

  2. I am so sorry you are going through this Justine! I have had panic attacks myself…you are right, your body just takes over and there is nothing you can do. I know how awful they are….so, so sorry you are having to deal with that on top of all the physical pain. I just spent some time praying for you, and for your test results. Thinking of you tonight!
    PS.What a striking picture that communicates how you are feeling. I love that about pictures. Sometimes they can communicate what words cannot.

    1. Thank you for your lovely supportive comment. The pain did subside by the end of last week, however I did probably overdo it firstly over the weekend, pain started increasing in my back and i think it just ‘caught up’ with me panic wise, totally was a surprise, but didn’t last long, was fleeting really considering but you know its cathartic to write about it, to get it out of there. It was odd I was only just saying I don’t need to write on my pain blog so much more and bam. Sometimes I think I tempt fate with these things. Thank you for praying that is really appreciated, sweet huggles to you x oh ps i wanted to tell you i had a slice of non flour glycemic free chocolate cake oh wow, it was amaaaazing 🙂 Never done that before

      1. I am really glad it subsided Justine! Also glad you wrote about it…I think it not only helps you as you process life, but also helps others to better understand what you and other people are going through.
        I am so glad you tried some gluten free cake and liked it!

        1. Thank you it is a process to write and work through things isnt it? I will try the exercise again and see if it sets it off in the same way, otherwise I will never know, thanks for chatting xx

  3. Living with chronic pain is just not something that most people understand. Since 17, here.

    Mostly I have found that I don’t talk about it much because FOR ME it makes me focus on it. If it is very bad I of course my husband knows, but meditation taught me to not focus on it even when it is outta this world — and I will take a half percoset if I must, especially to be comfortable at night to sleep.

    I do understand the anxiety attacks and mine happen because some of my pain presents like a heart attack sometimes. So that has scared the s#@t out of me, but only once did I actually head for ER. Nada. $2500 out of pocket. More anxiety! So far, what works best is acupuncture and feldenkris for my body pain, which is due to a partially disintegrated disc and a neck injury.

    I am so sorry, and hope you learn to live with it if it can’t be helped.

    1. thank you for your lovely comments/support. Mimicing a heart attack is horrible, my main fear pain is in my chest too but its a cramp just below my breast that ends up being a lump that sticks out and makes me feel like fainting, its urgh just urgh and then theres the back between the shoulders, like someone hit my spine with a hammer, thats the one that puts me back in bed immobile, the other pains I try to get by with,with meds and am discovering meditations and have asked for acupuncture its always good to share ideas and what works for one person justmight work for another, huggles to you x

      1. Because of you and about a dozen folks in my life all talking pain I wrote about it today on my other wordpress blog, zenkatwrites — and you can delete this after you get the name. yes, what works for one might work for another — that is how I discovered feldenkris too.

    1. Ps don’t worry about not keeping up honestly it’s hard to keep up with everything and you have family over 🙂 which makes me smile! Plus your comments just now make me smile lots too xx

  4. Very interesting blog and comments here. My daughter has Fibro and is in constant pain. I am going to refer her to your blog here. Sometimes it helps to share the agony you are going through. Love your pictures also.

    1. awe i am sorry to hear about yoru daughter but you are right it is good to share its like a lifeline out there. There is a great fibro facebook site if she is on there, i could let you know the name 🙂 xx

        1. I just looked it up on my Facebook its called fybromyalgia and any chronic Illness. It’s a closed group so she can apply and I am sure she will be added, suan started it he’s a blogger and Fibro sufferer xx

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