Last night I just wanted to be able to crawl out of my skin
I was lying in bed, thinking about going to sleep. It wasn’t a hot night but suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe, a sensation of claustrophobia swept over me. The physical feeling took over before I realized why I was feeling like that and it took me a while to work it out.
It takes a lot of emotional and physical effort to deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, with this there is underlying fear, loss of what was once, trying to feel positive, trying to move on. Sometimes you get those periods in life when it is semi going smoothly, ie you can deal with daily life, you know your parameters, things don’t ‘seem’ to be going backwards.
Last week however, I started to get intense pain in my feet, I literally had a sensation down the sides of one foot that would feel like someone was putting a poker from the fire on it. It would wake me up in night crying out it was so painful and I noticed some swelling.
Lying down is my respite. Sitting the worst thing for me. So in my head I always know I have that ‘crutch’, however during this period, lying down was dreadful. The soles of my feet felt like they were burning and swelling up, the tingling was beyond pleasant, I had to keep lifting my feet up and down and it felt like someone was putting a blow torch near my soles. On top of this my ankle joints felt like they were suddenly chronically arthritic.
All of this made walking painful and lying down terrible, the result of this was panic and exhaustion. I ended up feeling very depressed and went to the doctors. She said it sounded like peripheral nerve damage, perhaps from my back. She said if this was the case there would be nothing really they could do about it. I felt very tearful and fearful that how was I going to endure this on a daily basis on top of everything else and how far back it would put me. Where would my respite of lying down go, would I have to resort back to a huge cocktail of drugs after having been able to whittle them down.
She sent me for a blood test, I get the results this Thursday.
I then thought rationally as I had tried a new exercise, maybe there is a possibility that this is the casue, because by the weekend it had died down, not gone but so much better.
So we shall see.
But I don’t know, last night it all caught up on me, I had this voice in my head saying “I can’t pretend to be positive about this anymore, put on a cheery face, I want to crawl out of my body like a butterfly from its chrysalis, just for one night, to be free, no pain, no worries, no consequences, time limits. To be free and fly up in to the sky, smile, laugh and enjoy life in the way I so wish to”
Once I rationalized this, tried to find the reason, the breathing got easier, but I have to say I have suffered an anxiety attack full on once, ended up at A&E I just couldn’t breathe, could not work it out, then finally they realized what it was. Being an onlooker and not having suffered anxiety before or an attack, you could just say “calm and chill out, it will go away” but the physical sensations are so intense it literally takes over your body.
It was a shock how quickly and unexpectedly those sensations came on last night, there was no warning, no pre-feelings of doom and gloom, wham bam.
This morning I feel better, but it makes one so conscious of the fragility of emotions, how things can just tip the balance when learning to live in this world of chronic pain.
Thank you again for listening and reading!